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Young Writers Society



The dead sword of oblivion

by Ajuntah pall


Charles stood in front of the black water of burcach lake, the area around it was well know as ’death follow’s. Living up to its name, everything around it was dead, the grass burnt away and the air hazed. The mist slowly dissipated as the guards spotted him. He had stolen the queens wedding ring, worth a fortune sold on the black market. He new the guards would have his head if they caught him.

Charles was the common poor thief, starving on the streets as a small boy and taken in to shelter by a gang of larcenists. He was raised to steal, take what he wanted without remorse.

As a teen he did so, thieving from the rich and keeping for himself, not like your everyday robin hood. He eventaully mastered that art, and this is where he ended up to day, as a wanted criminal about to face his passing.

There wasn’t a living thing near the lake, everything had shivered up and died. The air around him hazed and left him throttled.

The guards shouted at him. And quickly charged at Charles, wielding there swords in there right hand. Charles hesitated and jumped in the lake, realizing it was his only hope of hiding from the guards. He was unaware of something, Charles wasn’t human, he was, a half bread if you may. His appearance remained human, but his true soul was conjured up from darkest place in the oblivions.

By willingly jumping in Burcatch, he was brought a curse, to endure hell of the high elf’s. And by this he has to whiteness every single painful aspect of what he was going to endure.

Hell of the high elf’s is two things, the death of an elf, or a punishment by the gods. For an elf, when you die you are reincarnated into a dark elf who, everyday, endures hell on earth. Which gives them there cruel hearted attitude. Most people take pity on an elf, how there so joyful, even though even day they know that they soon will embrace every living nightmare ever mustered up.

Dark elf’s are the cursed second life of the joy some high elf’s. Every day they have a smile of their face and wake up knowing that they second they die they are to endure the same fait as every other elf. In their fiendish hell, they are to endure they ever worst nightmares. Torn to pieces and stitched back to gather by each and every single fear they long wished to never come true.

That all happened when the eldest night elf, Icaag Darkvictor killed the dragon, Nim icerage who was raised by the dwarfen king. Icaag then bathed in its blood in victory, an old tradition for that time. After that day, he and everyone of his kind was cursed into a terrible damnation. After that the high elves refused to believe it. They spent everyday living out their kind and joyful lives, but they still knew what was going to happen the day they die.

When he fell in he couldn’t take the pain, his skin burning away layer by layer. His bones felt like they were being turn apart and crushed back together by a troll and stuffed back in a hurry, his eyes were blinded by blood, he could feel spiders and insects crawling in and out of his skull.

Charles swiftly threw himself out of the water as and ran out of the lake, running as far as he could. For nearly an hour he ran and didn’t stop, forgetting about the guards. His heart raced and his mind was blinded by pain and fear. He stopped running the moment he noticed something, he was lost. He fell to his knees. The pain wouldn’t go away, it was driving him crazy. His mind played terrible tricks on him, making him attack himself, but then he heard a whisper that told him what to do.

“Kill the first person you see.” it told him.

He nodded vigorously, completely moronic. Blindly reaching for the first rock he could get his hands on, he stood up, beads of tears and sweat poured down his dark skinned body.

“The first person.” he muttered under his breath, walking deeper into the dense jungle.

Charles looked around, he had recognized what part of the forest he had ran to. He knew an old hermit who lived here. Right by here. But the second that thought came up, bolting rain poured down and blinded him. He continued the up the small path he was on, unknowingly wondering off.

He had walked for what seemed like a day. The rain had only gotten worse, it seemed like it was going to flood, but it never did. Charles reached a small cave, or what seemed like what was a cave. It was hard to tell. Charles walked in, the pain had no longer bothered him, in fact he began to become addicted to it. For two hours he had walked in the dark. Until the found a large stone body sitting on a large chair. His demonic pet sitting next to him.

It reminded him of an old story, before there was any order, any law, any rules. Man had become cruel and evil. Most people were Tortured and killed by each other, and the ones that lived were the ones that were the most deleterious.

There weren’t any guards, no kings, nothing. Eventually there was a king, but nothing had changed. The guards were bribed to not put them in jail, the king spent all day watching the indigent families beheaded for stealing a loaf of bread to keep the children alive.

Eventually their tolls had caught up with them, and their price was paid. The dead and the living became one. Light and darkness. But it was always dark, dark enough not to see two feet in front of you. That’s when they came, dark creatures unbearable to describe. Some people say they saw people die just looking at them. They came from everywhere, the trees, houses, the ground, the darkness.

Four seven whole years the entire world was covered in pitch darkness. These creatures began to slaughter everyone within a hundred feet from them. It was cause, no one would fight back, they just ran and hid. Until one man finally fought back, but not in bravery, but fear of death. He took a bow from the house he had taken shelter in and snuck up behind the first one he could find and wrapped the string of the bow to the creatures neck until it fell limp.

For a moment there was hope, after that he started a resistance, and for twenty years they waged for on them. No one knew how it happened, they could barely even see. It was the pitch darkness was the evil that had surrounded them whole. Their evil. They’re crackling laughter of pain and suffering had brought them themselves death. And when they knew that, when the world had enough of this. It stopped.

Twenty years later they finally got back to order, this time, a real order. The emperor was that very man that saved all those people, Siegfried. And what Charles didn’t know, he was his ancestor. Charles stood up, he wore what a normal man would wear in his time, old used up clothes. He was five foot six and his hair was long and black, and by his appearance he looked about twenty two.

He stared at the cold dead statue, the mans face looked identical to his. Including the hair. It was a very awkward moment for him. Charles quickly drew his attention off when he heard an old man scatter away from him. This was his chance. He thought in his head as he followed the voice.

Charles could hear the man speak to him, scattering away further into the small cave. “No! Leave me alone!” he shouted.

His cries for help wouldn’t help him Charles thought. He ran towards him until he could see the old man. Charles quickly raised up the rock he continued to hold and bashed the rock on the olds man head, knocking him to the rough ground. Charles jumped on top of the man and began to repeatedly batter the old man with the rock.

After about ten minutes he stopped his onslaught against the poor helpless man. The little mans body was covered in blood and giant bruises. Charles shifted off the man and started at his dead corpse as the pain went away.

To him it wasn’t a loss to kill a man. As a thief Charles was use to doing the cruel and selfish to live and get his way. In a way like a small child if you think about it in a disturbing way. Charles anchored himself up and just took one last glimpse at the man and walked out of the cave. Dropping the rock right before he left the entrance of the cave. A little bit of blood dripped from his hand from holding the rock so tight for so long.


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103 Reviews


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Thu May 22, 2008 11:53 am
Dynamo wrote a review...



All in all a pretty good story for a 13-year-old. I don't know how much of what I'm about to say has already been mentioned by biancarayne since her post is so long, but here are some of the things that caught my attention.

Near the beginning you used the word new instead of knew, a common typo and one I sometimes make without even noticing it. You can make lots of typos like this and the easiest way to fix them, at least most of them, is to give your story a quick once over after every chapter. You can catch lots of mistakes this way.

You didn't specify when in time this story takes place so it's up to you to decide what quotes are appropriate for your story. If your story takes place in a very early time, or in a parallel universe, you need to consider if comparing to Robin Hood is proper or not.

Today, not to day.

And should never be placed at the beginning of a sentence, it's used to connect two parts of a sentence so you don't have to write two separate sentences. The only time you should be able to get away with something like this is if you used and at the beginning of a sentence in a character's dialog.

When referring to possession you should use their, not there. Their is used as a possessive like his, or her's, or any word that has 's at the end. There is used where referring to places, for example, "He is over there." You made this mistake numerous times in this chapter.

At on point in the story you used the word even instead of every. I make that typo a lot myself, A.D.H.D. and all that. Again, these typos can be easily solved by reading through each chapter when you're finished writing it.

Fate, not fait. Also, it's Dwarven, not Dwarfen. If your computer's spell check is anything like mine it doesn't like that word. This is where your job as a writer, and as a human, to use your common sense comes in.

In the last paragraph you ended a sentence where a comma would have worked just fine. "...walked out of the cave. Dropping the rock right..." If you replace that period with a comma it will make the transition a lot smoother.


I had a bunch of other things I wanted to mention but I'm pressed for time right now. All in all it's a good piece of work. I remember starting my own story when I was about your age. It took me a few rewrites before my work really started to shine. If you're anything like me you don't like to take other people's advice because it just means more work on your part. But, if you take people's advice and use it to fix your writing your writing will really improve. That's why it's always nice to have someone other than yourself to proof read your stories. That's what English teachers are for.




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Tue May 20, 2008 11:30 pm
biancarayne wrote a review...



Firstly, I definitely did enjoy reading this and think it has a whole lot of potential still waiting to be tapped into it, so...excellent job! However, there are a couple of things that I personally think you could do to make this better...however, they are all just suggestions, and anyway, I did like it, so I hope at least some of what I say will somehow help you! But this was definitely good!


"Charles stood in front of the black water of burcach lake, the area around it was well know as ’death follow’s."

I think Burchac Lake should be capitilized, as well as Death Follows. Also, I think that like rather than being a comma, it should be separated into two separate sentences, or maybe joined by an and.


The mist slowly dissipated as the guards spotted him.

Not sure why the mist would dissipate as soon as the guards spotted him...would there be some sort of reason for this to happen maybe? Or was it just chance? Maybe explain that. And also, the introduction to the guards is kind of awkward, because it sounds in the beginning as though Charles is by himself.


He had stolen the queens wedding ring, worth a fortune sold on the black market.

Mmkay, so I think it should be queen's. Also, I'm not sure about calling it the black market...this sounds like a fantasy type of a story and calling it a black market is just kind of odd.


He new the guards would have his head if they caught him.

Wrong new. Also, maybe show the fact that Charles knows he's in danger by like having him move and start swimming into the lake or something? Right now he doesn't seem to be in much of a hurry for someone about to die.


Charles was the common poor thief, starving on the streets as a small boy and taken in to shelter by a gang of larcenists. He was raised to steal, take what he wanted without remorse.

I'm not sure, maybe they did teach him to steal and all...but the gang sounds to me like they'd be full of gray characters. You know what I mean? Like, yeah they steal and all but they took him in as a little kid and they didn't have to do that, and that suggests to me that even if they are thieves they have a heart. Also, I'm not sure if you shouldn't include his past a little later on, once he's gotten away from the guards and is taking a rest, because where it's at right now just kind of makes it stop a little awkwardly.


As a teen he did so, thieving from the rich and keeping for himself, not like your everyday robin hood. He eventaully mastered that art, and this is where he ended up to day, as a wanted criminal about to face his passing.

So, Robin Hood should be captilized and eventually is just a wee bit mispelled...also, like again the thing about where you have this little update on his past located...like I said before, it kind of interrupts the action and I think it would be better for the story if that was said somewhere else. Also, the narrator itself seemed to be somewhat impersonal- we get told about what Charles is like, but we're never actually allowed inside of his head to see what he thinks about himself and how he feels okay keeping the money for himself instead of giving it away like Robin Hood.


There wasn’t a living thing near the lake, everything had shivered up and died. The air around him hazed and left him throttled.

I don't think that part's really necessary, because it pretty much just recaps what you've already told us. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by the air around him being hazed...I thought when you used it the first time you did mean misty, but then you said that the mist dissipated so...did it all of a sudden get misty again? I dunno, that's probably jsut me though.


The guards shouted at him. And quickly charged at Charles, wielding there swords in there right hand. Charles hesitated and jumped in the lake, realizing it was his only hope of hiding from the guards.

Should be their instead of there I think. He might be able to get away from the guards like that, yeah, but it wouldn't necessarily be really hiding from them since they would have seen him jump in, right?


He was unaware of something, Charles wasn’t human, he was, a half bread if you may.

Who was unaware he was half breed, Charles or one of the guards? A little hard to tell from this...


By willingly jumping in Burcatch, he was brought a curse, to endure hell of the high elf’s. And by this he has to whiteness every single painful aspect of what he was going to endure.

I'm not sure you should really say what he's going to witness. It would like involve your reader more if your described it.


Again, with the next three paragraphs, I think maybe you could tell us this info a little later on? I mean, it's definitely some very important stuff for us to know, but I don't think we need to know any of it right now. And again, it just kind of throws the action in the story off. And also, with information like this, it's kind of hard to introduce it all because it's so easy to get into the habit of just summarizing it in the middle of the action and that pretty much distracts most readers. So, like sometimes you have to intersperse this type of info stuff like throughout all the action and stuff, you know? Also, I'm not sure if the Icaraag Darkvictor thing is really even important for us to know- right now, it doesn't seem to wrap in with the story at all.


His bones felt like they were being turn apart and crushed back together by a troll and stuffed back in a hurry, his eyes were blinded by blood, he could feel spiders and insects crawling in and out of his skull.

That's a wee bit of a run-on sentence I think. You can take the bit about "stuffed back in a hurry" because like it seems to just kind of repeat the crushed together idea. Also, maybe kind of show us what the spiders and insects crawling in and out of his skull sensation would feel like? I think that would make it even more vivid like.


Charles swiftly threw himself out of the water as and ran out of the lake, running as far as he could. For nearly an hour he ran and didn’t stop, forgetting about the guards.

So, did he swim across or did the guards just go? And if they went, how exactly did he know that they really had went? And I'm not sure if he would forget about the guards, because to me the fact that he's running seems to suggest he still remembers...


He stopped running the moment he noticed something, he was lost. He fell to his knees. The pain wouldn’t go away, it was driving him crazy. His mind played terrible tricks on him, making him attack himself, but then he heard a whisper that told him what to do.

“Kill the first person you see.” it told him.


A few more run-on sentences in that selection. Also, there's the fact that this voice comes out from the middle of nowhere and like, in the next bit that follows it doesn't seem like he's very surprised. Maybe tell us that there's a reason for that- like, has something like this happened to him before? Not many people would just hear a voice out of nowhere and be like...mmmhmm, a random voice is speaking to me, nothing totally weird about that...unless they're somehow familiar with said random voice. Or, if there's something hypnotic about the voice which I think there also seems to be and he just doesn't have the ability to think by himself anymore, maybe show that wee bit more?


“The first person.” he muttered under his breath, walking deeper into the dense jungle.

The setting was a little bit uncertain. I didn't really know that he was in a dense jungle...I dunno, I just didn't get jungle vibes for some reason.



Charles reached a small cave, or what seemed like what was a cave.

Instead of saying that he reached a small cave maybe begin that bit with saying that he reached something that seemed to him to be a cave??



It was hard to tell.

And why exactly was it hard to tell that it was a cave? Because he's tired and there's rain, right? Maybe mention that as the reason he wasn't sure exactly what it was?



For two hours he had walked in the dark. Until the found a large stone body sitting on a large chair. His demonic pet sitting next to him.

If he's dark, how can he see it? And, how exactly does he know that it's two hours? It would be hard to keep time in the dark I think. Also, maybe describe what this large stone body looks like, and what this demonic pet is? Because somehow, I just get this feeling that the statue is somehow connected to the voice that he heard, and that would like make him coming to this exact place seem like on purpose or whatever. And if the statue is somehow related to the voice, it would also be nice to just know what it looks like.
Also, maybe use a little while after he finds this stone statue and its demonic pet to begin telling us some of the stuff you told us earlier? I think this would be like the perfect opportunity to begin to reveal some things like that maybe.



Four seven whole years the entire world was covered in pitch darkness.

I think you mean for...also, I don't think saying whole before years is really necessary, but that's just something so small I really might as well have not mentioned it. Also, the whole story thing before it is a little unclear...like, it's hard to really understand what exactly things are and how they came to be.


For a moment there was hope, after that he started a resistance, and for twenty years they waged for on them.

Do you mean war instead of for? And also, I'm not sure about "for a moment there was hope" because I'd call twenty years as a little more than a moment...unless like they can live for a ridiculously long amount of time...


They’re crackling laughter of pain and suffering had brought them themselves death. And when they knew that, when the world had enough of this. It stopped.


Wrong their...also, not sure about the crackling laughter of pain...unless like, you expand on that and use it as an example for how completely sadistic those things were? Also, maybe clarify why exactly it stopped- were they beaten, or did they just leave for some mysterious reason?



And what Charles didn’t know, he was his ancestor. Charles stood up, he wore what a normal man would wear in his time, old used up clothes. He was five foot six and his hair was long and black, and by his appearance he looked about twenty two.

I don't think you should say right out that this man is Charles ancestor...maybe like suggest it by him feeling some sort of connection to the statue? Also, the following description is about the statue right...if not, clarify that it's Charles...and if so, like...how would he be able to tell what color hair the statue has, because like it would be made of stone and all? Again, that's something really, really small, I know...



He stared at the cold dead statue, the mans face looked identical to his. Including the hair. It was a very awkward moment for him.

Why would it be an awkward moment? I think it would be more unusual and a little unsettling seeing a statue that you know is not of you but looks identical to you anyway...



Charles could hear the man speak to him, scattering away further into the small cave.

Was he literally speaking to him, or is it just one of those things where you're imagining something but it nearly seems really? Also, again...the fact that it's a small cave...you couldn't wonder around in a small cave for two hours, because like I think of a small cave is being like...maybe a couple of feet wide? It feels like he's in kind of some sort of a big chamber-type thing right now to me, for some reason...



Charles quickly drew his attention off when he heard an old man scatter away from him. This was his chance. He thought in his head as he followed the voice.

Charles could hear the man speak to him, scattering away further into the small cave. “No! Leave me alone!” he shouted.

Also, the old man isn't introduced you very clearly. I'm not sure why, but it's just hard to tell that you've introduced another character into this for some reason.



Charles shifted off the man and started at his dead corpse as the pain went away.

Dead corpse is just a wee bit redundant...and also, not sure about calling it "his" corpse...and, I think you mean stared instead of started.



As a thief Charles was use to doing the cruel and selfish to live and get his way.

I get why being a thief would teach you to do something selfish, but I'm not sure if it would necessarily like make you used to doing cruel things...



And I know that he doesn't really feel any remorse for killing the guy but...at the same time he doesn't seem to react right for someone who just sprang on someone he didn't know without any reason to. You know what I mean? So, he wouldn't feel remorse, but wouldn't he at least be like...Hey, why did I just kill him? And maybe wonder what he had been doing there in the first place...it doesn't seem like the kind of place for anyone to wander around for no reason, especially not an old man. Otherwise, the ending seemed a little abrupt and just seemed to stop in the middle of it for some reason.



So, I hope all of that was helpful!! And if not, I'm really sorry, just know that I really did enjoy reading this. I would just love to see how much more you can do with this!





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